You are sitting in the kitchen, he is in the bedroom sleeping, you are up early because you can’t really sleep this has been going on for a while, you take a sip of your coffee, don’t really feel like eating, you feel exhausted, you want to run and scream but you don’t know where or why? your whole body feels tied up so you move your hands and rub them to make sure you are actually free. He’s up and you go back to act normal but remember, the body knows best.
Every time you’re about to see him you get nervous, not in a butterflies type of nervous, but like a hole in your stomach that aches, something took the air away from you but you need to see him! you can’t wait to be with him, you feel like running to him and stitch your skin to his.
You are with him and he feels farther away than before, you don’t seem able to break the distance between you, you want him close but you can’t explain it, he’s next to you but you can’t touch him.
Inside you live afraid of not being good enough, lose those pounds, learn everything you can, be smart, be funny, agree with him and then, whose that girl? why is he looking at her? why doesn’t he see me like that anymore?
outside, put on makeup, don’t have dinner, stand straight, wear the high heels, re-apply lipstick, take that shot.
You look at yourself in the mirror and you can’t bear your own reproachful gaze, who am I? help me! I can’t. Walking weakly, your insides feel like ashes, you are losing your mind and you’re not even sure why. Oh! but you do, you know that a lot has happened and he has torn you apart a million times before. You blame yourself for not being perfect, for not being strong, for not having the courage to walk away.
You see a man in the street, he has kind eyes, he lights hope inside you but you’re quick to deny it and turn your head away, there can’t be a different life for you, or a different man, he’s the one an only, he knows you, he complete’s you, he needs you and you need him. But what if I’m wrong?